To Whom It May Concern:

I hereby demand that you increase my line of credit. The reason for this is that I want to be able to make the existing minimum, interest-only payments on all my other debts from the increased line amount you give me.

Sincerely,

Brock O. Bomba

Dear Brock,

We received your letter from last week regarding your credit limit. This is an unreasonable request to give someone with your spending history more money to blow through. For this reason we are denying your request.

Sincerely,

FRB Card Services

Dear FRB Card Services,

This is not an unreasonable request. You see, my credit report shows I have an 800 score, so there’s no way I can default. I know what you’re thinking; I don’t make enough money to pay all my debts. Again, I don’t see this as a problem. As long as I can keep that great credit score and other companies keep giving me larger lines, all is well. You’ll get your payments and so will my other creditors. I’ve never missed a single payment to you or anyone else, and have been a good borrower ever since joining the Federal Reserve Bank. I ask you to reconsider before my next payment deadline.

Best Regards,

Brock O. Bomba

Brock,

We realize you’ve been a long-time customer but what you’ve described above is called a Ponzi scheme. Now if it was up to the FRB you’d have the line extension already. In fact, they’d probably pay you for some of your debt as well. However, our department is an independent arm of the company and must make decisions based upon your ability to pay the PRINCIPAL, not just the interest. We’re sure you understand. Perhaps you’d do better just to cut back your personal spending a little. Whatever you decide, we wish you only prosperity.

A. Paulista
Customer Service Representative
FRB Card Services

Dear Mr. Paulista,

Thank you for your kind response, but since you have been intractible and are threatening my life by putting a gun to my head like a terrorist, I can’t help but go over your head. Therefore, I am contacting your supervisor, Mitch Peloski, an old comrade of mine that I’ve always been able to count on for a reasonable compromise. I’ll be speaking with them privately this afternoon to solve this crisis before my payment due date. I’m sure he’ll understand that interest payments are better than a total default. I do ask, however, that you not share this conversation with the credit bureaus or my other creditors. Remember, we all sink or swim together!

Respectfully,

Brock O. Bomba

Dear FRB Card Services,

I can no longer stand to be a part of the sort of gamesmanship I detailed above. I will not seek to extend my current contract in the service department. I’ve been blowing the whistle into your deaf ears for too many years and will be moving on. I’m taking my case directly to the shareholders of this company and will be attempting an un-hostile takeover.

Peace,

A. Paulista

Image: Sean MacEnteeCC BY 2.0

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